If I ”Blogged” everyday of my life, I think this would still end up being my all time favorite post. I reached deep into my soul and pulled out the core of my pain, and exposed it to you. If you have the time, try to read it entirely. The first paragraph is just basically more information about Ethan and today, after that it gets fairly personal.
Today we find more about which protocol that Ethan will get. We have selected the option of “randomization”. This gives us a chance at a new protocol that is referred to as “experimental”. It is very powerful and potentially dangerous for Ethan if not successful because they use such a powerful form of chemotherapy. From what I undestand, to even get chosen for this protocol they basically “flip a coin” using computer software. If the computer radomly selects you for the “experimental” then you get it. Otherwise, you get the “standard option”. But in the last couple weeks, the standard protocol has also been changed. Either way, information from Ethan’s case will help pave new ground in research. Today the “coin will be flipped”. Either way I feel confident. Its a shame that the results will be tainted, because research doesn’t include the key ingredient… PRAYER! PRAYER WORKS!!!
I felt compelled to share something intimate to both me and Becky. Last night it was really on my heart, so I kept on typing. I only hope that it comes out the way that I intend for it to. I am not always the best with words.
Two and a half years ago, our faith was tested immensely. I have always taught youth groups that Mark 11:21-23 meant exactly what it said… otherwise, ”Why is it there?” But you have to BELIEVE, and that is where most of us slip up. We pray once and pretend (TRY) to believe, then we worry secretively and “wait it out”. (I do not mean to say that if you pray for something and it is not answered the way you would like that your faith is weak.) Shortly after teaching a series on prayer, I was tested and ended up feeling like a real failure. Becky and I prayed for the health of our little “baby in the womb”. But without any sort of warning signs we had a miscarriage. It was devastating. How can you pray for a baby to be healthy and then have it taken away from you? (Don’t take this snooty, but please don’t leave a comment saying… “that baby would have probably had brain damage”.) I thought time and time again… What did I do wrong? Is there something wrong with me. Is something in me defective that would cause a baby to be imperfect? I truly believe in the power of prayer, so why wasn’t my prayer answered? I held on with all of my might and prayed that God would help me understand why it happened. No response? Not even a hint? Where is this peace that the Bible talks about?
Then came Ethan two and a half years later, with one glance I could see that he was beautiful. I felt relief that I wasn’t holding Becky back from having a “healthy” child. I remember looking at him and thinking how could he be so perfect? But wait there’s more… as terrible as the miscarriage was, we could have never imagined a situation that would be more painful. Then came February 6th and the news about Ethan. It was so devestating to look into his eyes, watch him smile, and squeeze his cute little cheeks, and then consider the fact that you might not have him in a matter of hours.
Finally, a couple week ago we were told that if Ethan had a sibling… that would most likely be his best match for a bone marrow donor. THE DEVIL SLAPPED ME ACROSS THE FACE AND SAID, “TAKE THAT! WHERE IS THIS GOD OF YOURS NOW?” This was just another attempt at a knockout punch, and the devil FAILED again!
In retrospect, everything seems so clear. I am able to see all of the ways that God prepared us for our current situation. Without prayer this would be impossible. Literally everyday I look at the emails, the messageboard, and the REAL mail… and a little light goes off in my head. I am reminded of a scripture that never really made sense until now.
Where I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:8-10
Yet another piece of wisdom straight out of the Bible. The answers are there for the taking. It just takes some us a little longer than others. (I don’t know why, but I always seem to take the long road.) There are many undeniable truths that come from THE WORD. It is real and breathes life into us, but the question is… Will we allow it the opportunity or are we just too busy with OUR VERSION OF LIFE?
If you are waiting to see if Ethan makes it through this successfully, then you are wasting precious time. Make the change now, you have seen the difference in Ethan’s life already. Just look at the odds. It is day 44 and he is still ALIVE. On top of that, what happened to the 1.6 million white blood cells? Did you know that 1.6 million white blood cells is more than enough to fill 8,000 healthy adults. Why didn’t this little boy die? Why has he continued to look so healthy? Why did his count just happen to be so high the day that he went in for his 2 month check up? There is no such thing as coincidence. Its just a word that we as humans made up. The worst part is that is denies the power of God. That should be more than enough proof for you to feel HIM tugging at your heart. GOD is up there cheering you on, and pulling for you. All you have to do is take the first step.
If you are in the Shreveport area, call (318) 797-6333 and just tell them that you have been praying for Ethan and you would like to know more about worshiping with his extended family. And when you get there, hug someone on my behalf.
You are an amazing Father. For everyone who reads this their lives will be touched. I know mine has been. Your faith is the kind we all should have. God bless you all. You are in my prayers.
Ben, as I read you journaling each day, my eyes fill with tears, in awe of your strength and faith. I too have a new baby, just one week younger than your precious Ethan. When I heard about Ethan, my faith was also questioned – why does God allow tiny innocent babies to be born with such a dreadful disease? Why this family? Why not me – a sinner? The answers aren’t always clear and we may not like how God answers our prayers, but he does answer them – in HIS own time – just as you stated. I pray for your precious Ethan daily and also for Becky and you to continue to grow in strength. There’s nothing I can say that you don’t already know, so take comfort in the fact that soo many people have fallen in love with your child and your family – and your faith.
All I can say Ben is WOW. Incredible. We have been praying and will continue praying for ya’ll! Ethan is a lucky little boy to have you and Becky! God’s Grace!
Thank you so much for your wonderful words of wisdom!!! God is wonderful!!!
I don’t know how you do it. Be so optimistic at such a difficult time. You are truly an amazing father. There needs to be more people on this earth that look at things the way that you do. God Bless You and you family. We are praying for little Ethan every single day.
You said it all! God is AWESOME! And we can only trust that He is in control! I check in everyday and I praise God for the wonderful news you share with all of us! Thank you again for taking the time to keep us up to date on sweet Ethan!!
Ben,
Thank you for opening up to us and revealing your trials and tribulations in your walk with God. You faith shines through with every post you generate. God’s will reveals itself eventually, even if we don’t always understand it. You didn’t necessarily take the long road, but God knew exactly what you needed to prepare for what would lie ahead. Some of us, including myself, have actually rebelled against God when such trying things occur and that is an even longer path than yours. Many people don’t learn or accept the lessons you have learned until much later in their lives. God is always watching over you and your family, and we have FAITH & BELIEVE that Ethan will be a healthy grown man in God’s time. God Bless you and your family! He is always there with you! Give Ethan a big hug and a kiss from all of us. Keedra is only 3 weeks younger than Ethan and she sends her coos, simles, laughs and drools to Ethan and your family.
[...] reminders that God uses struggle to deepen our faith… if we choose to let it and choose to stay open to [...]
hey benny! your faith has always been an amazing inspiration for me. you are such an awesome role model for me! i look up to you in everyway. thanks to you, i learned to pray and truly believe what i was praying for. i thank God all the time for blessing me with meeting you and growing so close to you. i love you so much bro! hug little ethan for me! oh and you better be teaching him to say aunt megan! love you! lil sis
Awesome post!
As a fairly new Christian (I was baptized on August 8, 2005), it’s sometimes tough to explain to non-believers that faith is just that – faith. It’s *knowing* that God will come through. It’s *knowing* that there’s a plan much, much, much bigger than me out there.
I share your website with everyone who will listen.
My first prayer is always for my children’s salvation. It goes without saying that any other tragedy is miniscule in comparison to their salvation.
Then whatever happens, I place into the context of Rom 8:28 and I trust that each of the things that happen (and do they happen..we’ve had at least two and probably four miscarriages…one a set of twins) come in the larger context of a God who ALWAYS knows what He is doing.
That said, we continue to pray for you and your family. We’ve never gone through what you’re going through now, but through prayer and intercession we can share your pain.